Weather: Gray and cool
Number of people: 8 stoppers, 5 walkbys
Number of hecklers: 0!
Pages of notes: 8
People who got the Peanuts reference: 1
Pictures taken with permission: 1
Pictures taken without permission: 2
People I’ve spoken with before, back for more: 1
Dogs seen: 1
Dogs pet: 0
Naloxone distributed: 1
Money raised for Environmental Justice league of RI: $0.90
Last day of the season in this location! I put a sign on the booth to that effect.
No food trucks upon arrival. The first one arrived at 11:13 and parked on the east side of the park entrance, followed closely by the second which parked on the west side. I was facing east.
A security guy walked through at 11:37.
A leafhopper of some sort visited the page I was writing on, and a teen starling ran by very close to me.
Semi-relatedly, I like seeing the teen human skateboarders sail around like swallows.
Past experiences. The future. I deal with it every single day.
Is it the same anxiety or are they different things?
Two different things. Stuff in the past is what gave me anxiety about what I’m gonna do and how I’m gonna get there. I wanna go to school to be a doctor, a pediatrician. So I’m gonna go to CNA classes for 6-8 months, then after I become a CNA I’m gonna work with people a little bit and then I’m gonna go to nursing school, and then I’m gonna go to school to become a doctor. I’m anxious about finances—I don’t have much. It consumes my life. I got problem on top of problem. I have really bad depression too. Everything piles on top of each other…
Do you have a way to see a real counselor right now?
I go to Day 1 counseling two days a week. She’s amazing. I don’t have family, so I’m kinda dealing on my own. So many people are like, “Oh, well, you control your destiny,” and that’s bullshit. I’ve had so many suicide attempts. Depression kills people. That’s where I’m at right now, a couple days ago. But I was like, “Fuck you to the people who are kicking me when I’m already down.”
… [With my counselor] I’m mostly figuring out trauma in the past and how to face it head on and not ignore it. It kind of comes on sudden and random, so I want to work on that part first. We talk about how there’s different parts of yourself, like the Firefighter—I call him Bob, Bob the Firefighter, he’s the one who wants me to use drugs, drink alcohol, hurt myself. So I try to get in touch with my emotions, to say, “I see you, I know you wanna do that.” I’ve had a lot of therapists, but some of them had a hard time understanding and they weren’t so good at teaching. It took a little over a year to lead myself into trusting her. She’s like, common-sense smart. She has a good way of describing things.
… CCRI has a lot of programs [for CNA training] but I’m afraid to do presentations. I’m scared of talking in front of a load of people. I get—not really mood swings, but I go through phases during the day, a few hours anxious, a few hours sad or angry, and then in the middle of the night—it’s just constant battering, fighting with myself. Helping people gives me a little bit of a purpose and a reason to stay, but sometimes I just want it all to go away. When you start feeling disconnected—My boyfriend, because of my past, he can’t touch me, and I’m just like, how come I can’t work, how come I can’t do anything. That word “anxiety” is such an understatement.
[These two came up together and may have been family.]
Person 1: I’m worried that Trump is gonna end the world because of his narcissism and delusions of grandeur.
Person 2: Lies.
Person 1: Lies and admiration for dictatorial regimes. His relationship with Russia and North Korea is absolutely disturbing. Starting fights with Canada is insane. Taking his anger out on children.
What do you see as the potential outcome of all of this?
Do you work for the government?
I’m concerned that he’s been assigned by foreign heads of state to break the union. They’re gonna feed into his delusions of grandeur.
What would their goal be in that case?
To remove us from the playing field. Divide and conquer, so they can run the world. Take our land, take our money, take our kids. Take Alaska–
Person 2: They can have Alaska.
Person 1: No.
So the nightmare for you is this takeover?
No, the nightmare is atomic apocalypse. Someone sparks a nuke and everyone else freaks out and sparks theirs.
Person 2: His narcissism is so overwhelming that it allows other people to control him through flattery.
Person 1: Just a big chicken game, so that under threat of apocalypse we’ll be forced to submit to the settlement of the US. Republicans used to understand [what???] but no more.
How do you feel, when you think about these things?
I feel inspired and I get to know people around me, in my community. It’s the only good choice—really ever, but now epecially.
Do you talk with them about this stuff?
I’m usually more toward listening. I think there’s an appropriate time to vent.
The lack of concern. Everyone’s going about their days like they don’t feel a difference. And then the [federal] administration is saying it doesn’t exist. When someone with that kind of power does that, how can anyone else make any changes?
… If you watch Planet Earth, you see how it’s so beautiful and how it has a system, and we just come in and mess it up.
How do you feel when you think about it?
Kind of hopeless. Helpless. You can only do your small part to try and reduce your ecological footprint.
A lot of people say that, and I mean, absolutely, do those things, but people don’t always think in terms of doing things together.
I almost interned with this water project, they have an office right next to Classical. It’s like a grassroots organization, they teach people. You’re right, it’s not just individual, it’s collective—but you do feel very alone.
[I mention the No LNG in PVD campaign.]
What do you think about that wind farm?
I mostly think it’s a good thing. It’s not perfect—they still have to build those turbines out of metal that they have to dig out of the ground, they still have an impact, but we really need them.
I worked for a person in the governor’s office and I saw people protesting about that installation in South Providence. And yeah, absolutely, but I also think we need resources to make the transition.
[We talked a little bit about the need to combine new renewable sources with getting rid of fossil fuel sources, but I didn’t write that part of the conversation down.]
My only thing, and I think I learned this from you, is just to be as aggressively local as possible. Everything else feels so nebulous. For a while that was my thing with literary communities. The day of the gun rally, the kids and I just stood on the boulevard with our signs. … I have these neighbors in my sights, I want to change them. They’re Catholic, and there’s so much social justice in that! [They] just forgot because [they] got rich.